I've been
adding to this blog for almost six years.
(not so much in the last few weeks...just sort of down...sorry) A friend reminded me I wrote a piece on
my 60th birthday. You have the
ability to go back and re read it.
I cannot. So, I have no idea
if this will repeat themes from birthdays past. However, as this is my last birthday while being held
against my will, I thought it an apt moment for reflection.
The first birthday in prison is soul sucking and psychically
torturous. Why was I born? Look at what I have done with my
life. Would it have been better
not to have been born at all? How
do I survive all the future birthdays in prison? Please don't wish me a happy birthday. I'm glad my parents are dead and can't
see what I have done to their name.
How will my wife and children cope? Will they ever forgive me?
This birthday occurs with the realization I should be home by Christmas
and there will be no more birthdays in captivity. It also occurs to someone quite different than the man who
cried and zombie-walked his way through that day in 2009. At least I've answered one query as I
have survived up until now and I wouldn't have taken bets on that back in the
day.
That first birthday, in Beaumont, Texas, took place far away from
home...hell, far away from civilization and intelligent life. If my brief sojourn in the South is any
window on that world, this nation is doomed to remain fractured forever. I had met a former head of allegedly
one of the most violent drug gangs in Texas. He was a Puerto Rican from the Bronx trying to convert to
Buddhism from cultural Catholicism.
He taught me about prison and prison culture and how to get my head out
of my ass and see trouble brewing before it starts. He knew he couldn't protect me, his people would never have
gone for that, but told me to get to his bunk if violence broke out because no
one could fault him for protecting his house and the people in it. On that first birthday he presented me
with a gift...a pair of non-prison issue, thick, wool gloves. They were gorgeous and warm and
valuable. Who would have thought
such an act of kindness could happen in Beaumont, Texas. The gift was a counterpoint to the
isolation...soul losing...recriminations...self-loathing I was going through at
that time and were a miracle of sorts.
There will not be any gifts on this birthday. There will be visit from some friends...a former Maryknoll
missionary who was a total stranger until he visited me three or four times
now...an ex Franciscan and a dear friend from the City who has been a source of
comfort and support through this entire journey. If there are any tears, they will be tears of joy and the
soul nearly sucked out in Santa Rita, Oakland, Dublin, Oklahoma City, after a
14 hour bus ride with no food, Beaumont, and Lompoc, seems to be making a
comeback.
Birthdays are moments, snapshots, of where we are and where we have been
and contain the hopes of what we might be in the future. I have been consigned to the scariest
place on earth...alone with my own thoughts. If one is at all honest, and willing to take a plunge into
the ether which is ourselves, prison offers a chance to assess and unpack the
behaviors and beliefs which led to the current circumstances.
On this birthday I can admit to so many shortcomings and bad choices
which were mixed with an oversized ego...pride on steroids and an absolute
belief life had wronged me, cheated me, played favorites and I would do
anything, break any rule, reject any limits in order to get what was rightfully
mine. I had a good heart, but a
dark spirit which encouraged me to take risks, put my family in jeopardy and
disappoint my friends all in the name of achieving fame and fortune.
A Franciscan friar who was a guest with me here for a while, Rev. Louis
Vitali O.F.M., convinced me the way to do this time was to imagine it as a
monastery. It's all men. We live in "cells". There is an inordinate amount of time
for prayer and reflection and celibacy is easy to maintain. He nailed it. I have said publicly I didn't have an active prayer life
out of fear one day God would answer back and make demands on me I couldn't, or
wouldn't, carry out. Now, I pray
begging to hear Her voice. I said
Mass here for the first time in 30 years and it moved me deeply. It showed me how badly I wasted my
chance to be a good priest and, ironically, how much better I would be
today. After everything is taken
from you, including your reputation, it is possible to see what is real value
and on this birthday, if you said I could have anything I wanted, it would be
to be home celebrating with my family basking in their presence.
There is still much more work to be done on me. I have to face the justifiable anger of
family and work to regain trust. I
hope God is not done with me yet and search for a new epiphany. I would like to work with the poor and
do some prison ministry. I don't
know if anyone will allow me back in the media, but boy would I have something
to say and from a very different perspective.
Finally, if I can be so bold as to offer some observations on this
day...we all make mistakes and we have to seek forgiveness, including forgiving
ourselves, and not allow the mistake to define us. Please reject all the culture around you which glues you to
your phone, computer, TV screen and a plethora of other distractions. I am convinced they are like fool's
gold and have neither intrinsic value nor recipe for happiness or
fulfillment. Instead, seek out
people and places and times you love and moments of care and banish the easy
path of cynicism. You, and I, were
given a gift...this life...and it is a chance to be someone who cherishes what
is real and loves with all your heart.
Please learn from my mistakes.
At least then maybe this tragedy can have a positive outcome.
I am thankful I was born. I
am grateful to have four children and a wife who love me unconditionally. I am blessed to get a chance to reboot
and see what Bernie 2.0 will look like.
I am lucky to have all of you to call friends. It is a happy birthday.
Happy Birthday, Bernie...sounds like you've received the best gift of all!
ReplyDeleteYou made some terrible mistakes, and the government (which you regularly criticized across the entire West Coast) took full advantage to those mistakes to publicly humiliate your family and silence your voice from the airwaves. You sound rehabilitated enough...I'll celebrate your freedom and wish you good luck.
ReplyDeleteMay you have many, many Happy Birthdays ahead.
ReplyDeleteI hope someone will allow you back in the media again, I'd like to listen to you again.
ReplyDeleteI hear KSFO is for sale, who knows!
Happy Birthday
Thank you for sharing. I have been a silent fan of yours since the Church of the Holy Donut. I look forward to your return to the City.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday, Bernie. Soon after you were incarcerated I attempted to send you through your attorney the wonderful book, "We're All Doing Time," by the also wonderful and sadly late Bo Lozoff of the Human Kindness Foundation and the Prison Ministry Project. I wonder if you got it. In it, Bo makes the same point about using prison as a kind of ministry as the Reverend Vitali made to you.
ReplyDeleteI hope that the future holds wonderful things for you and your family.
We all make mistakes in life. God forgives and I forgive. Looking forward to Bernie 2.0
ReplyDeleteGreat piece, Bernie. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI always thought you had an ego and pride and didn't have patience with people that you thought were stupid - it was sad to hear. But I'm still your friend, I still think kindly about you and wish you well. You do have a good heart, you always did - and I don't believe you did what you did (if you actually did any harm to anyone) out of malice. We all have our demons, some maybe have more or worse ones than others, and I don't believe we can judge. I'm sure I'm not alone; I think there's hope that you can be accepted back into public/media life. I would welcome you back.
ReplyDeleteWhat a heartfelt post Bernie. Hopefully when you leave Prison, your life will be better & this will be a life lesson. I don't know what the future holds you but I hope it's all good Sir. HUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday, Bernie. I am so happy to learn you will be home for Christmas.
ReplyDeleteStay positive. You still have so much to give.
I appreciate you and hope you will continue your blog after you are home.
Could someone please tell me how to write to Bernie? I was a huge fan when he was at KGO. Happy Birthday Bernie! Thank you for the many nights of wisdom...
ReplyDeleteIt is a wonderful thing you being born. Your words carried me through some troubles times adn it would begreat to hear you again on air. I have been so remise to not have written you more often, this I appoligize for. The fires you have endured have turned you into tempered steel, that monastic view of prison life is awsome. Heres to standing by the bay, the warm sun shinning down and the cool breese washing your soul, it will be yours so. your friend in Iowa
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Bernie...We too have been a silent fan since the Church of the Holy Doughnut...remember the morning your first child was born and how you brought the entire process to life for all us..we laughed and cried with you that morning as we did so many times while listening to you...you gave us so many memories....my husband still has all of your Thanksgiving Prayers...I could go on and on, but guess you can understand how we all have missed you and wait for your return...J&R
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Bernie. We emulate and strive to be closer to the Father when we forgive, and we maintain ourselves as good citizens when we are inspired by your voice of justice and economic fairness. Both are so important. Thank you for sharing your thoughts; I look forward to my continued hearing of them. All the best,
ReplyDeleteChuck
"...and not allow the mistake to define us." Many, many thanks for this line.
ReplyDeletevery happy belated birthday!
ReplyDeleteyou made it!
I wish you the best!
maybe you can have your own radio station when you are back, now anyone can do it, I would love to hear you again
I despise your politics. Enough said.
ReplyDeleteYou've probably read Graham Greene's "The Power and the Glory". If not you ought to.
I hope you find something else to do than broadcast when you get out.
What have you been reading besides the Bible? Just wondering.
Bernie, I wish you a Grand Christmas with your family! I have always felt and wrote to you that you did nothing wrong to anyone and one's own demons (if only written or thought) should not be a cause for condemnation. I heard someone on media (maybe Noam Chomsky) say recently that investigative journalism is dead - partly due to the decline of print media. Perhaps when free again you can find a way to aid in its revival, a talent which you have the ability to use well. We'll be rooting for you and following your progress in the vastly complex "outside". Bon Voyage !
ReplyDeleteBernie: We still miss your show. After you left there wasn't anything real to listen to at KGO, it went downhill and now has gone to Hell in a handcart. It is something I don't even listen to any more. How about taking a look at speaking on progressiveradionetwork.com? This kind of radio is gaining in popularity. We need a voice like yours out there. We have lost Michael C. Ruppert (Crossing the Rubicon: The Decline of the American Empire at the end of the Age of Oil) to suicide, he certainly wasn't perfect but he did so much to expose The Powers That Were. I think you were getting too close to the Truth, so "they" were waiting for any excuse they could find to dump you and you may have fallen into an FBI "honeypot," but-- more than ever now we need strong voices who will actually Tell It Like It Really Is.
ReplyDelete