Tuesday, September 9, 2014

COMING HOME...

  When my oldest son and I talk, he frequently reminds me there are only two dates that matter...the day you go to prison and the day you come home.  As my time as a guest of our government come to an end, I anticipated all kind of feelings and reactions.  As I played it in my head, it would be a time of great celebration...an explosion of freedom...a cornucopia of foods missed over the years...a welcome home party of epic proportions...a moment of unrequited joy for my family and for me.  Reality, as is usually the case, is far more messy and complicated.

     I haven't been writing as much as in the past and I was perplexed as to why.  Midterm elections and the control for Congress are up for grabs in November.  Russia has invaded Ukraine.  ISIS continues to roil Syria and Iraq committing unspeakable crimes against innocent men, women and children. (The same chicken hawks that lied us into Afghanistan and Iraq now want us to do it all over again.)   A new report confirms the top 1% are vastly richer today then in 2010 or before.  Every cell phone call we make is being monitored by the government and mysterious cell towers are appearing all over the country and no one seems to know who owns them or what purpose they serve, but the suspicions are ominous.  All of these items should be grist for my mill and yet my pen lays silent.  Why?

     It dawned on me the answer may lie in the fact I have a little more than three months left before I go home.  Since I have already served over 72 months, 3 ought to be a walk in the park.  The next 3 months should be a joy-filled, smile-inducing, countdown to an event worthy of an epic party.  It's known as being," short to the door" in here and most of those in my housing unit would be thrilled to switch places with me and have such a short time left.  For me, not so much.

     Please don't misunderstand.  I don't want to spend one more day in here than necessary.  I take full responsibility for the actions which put me in here and once again offer an apology to anyone I have offended, but will always bristle at a sentence which in no way reflects or was commensurate to the crime committed.  However, as the door approaches, my fantasy about going home has run smack dab into reality.

     The reality of going home has caused a whirlwind of thoughts and concerns and more than one sleepless night.  For over 6 years my job has been to survive.  My obligation has been to make it day to day and to do the work necessary to fulfill my promise to my wife to come home healthier and better than I left.  Dealing with bills and jobs and children and an economic disaster of historic scope was the responsibility of my wife and family and you.

     Responding to, and caring for, my son's cancer, my wife's health emergency, my daughter's pulmonary embolisms, my brother's heart crisis, my sister-in-laws fight with cancer, my sister's neighborhood in San Bruno destroyed by a natural gas explosion and the harm to her family, my son's loss of sight and much more, which all occurred while I have been here in exile, fell to others and all I had to do was worry and pray and hope they could handle it all.

     In a little more than 3 months, the weight and reality of the world will slam squarely back down on my shoulders and there will be many people with expectations for me and the life they will expect me to begin to live.  What about earning a living?  How do you re-introduce yourself to your wife after 6 plus years in which she has had to be the bread winner and family glue...6 years where she had to face fear and loneliness and terror by herself with no shoulder to lean on and no partner...6 years of anger about how she was let down and betrayed and disappointed by a man she married.  I've missed six years of my children's lives as well as the fact that all of my family has been embarrassed and humiliated publicly by my actions.

     When I come home, do I fade away into the ether, slink away silently into the night and hope people forget what I did?  What job or jobs will I be allowed to hold and will anyone hire an ex-felon with my crime?  Will society allow a second chance or a shot at redemption and even if it does, how does one go about securing such outcomes?  Is there a media company out there which would be willing to endure the heat and controversy which would be associated with hiring me?  (although I guarantee the shows would be electric and dynamic and entertaining as hell from a host who is chastened and humbled with so much to say)  All of this and more has crowded into my head and now I can't stop thinking and wondering and speculating and it seems to be crowding out everything else.

     I find myself obsessed with two concerns.  First, I want to be in physically as good a condition as possible.  This means taking a very disciplined approach to exercise every day without fail as well as a focus on what I'm eating, and not eating, to get down to as good a weight as possible.  Second, approaching the door forces me to assess me and to make sure any progress I have made turning myself around...progress getting pride and ego under control...progress in understanding how my actions affect others...progress in walking out the door a better husband and father and friend...progress in my relationship to a God who gave me so many talents and gifts and now wonders if She may have made a mistake...that I can bring all of this with me back to a world which will try to distract me and derail me and tempt me and fool me if I let it.

     I cannot promise this mental quagmire or thought storm makes as much sense as would overarching joy at coming home...getting away from this dysfunctional system designed to encourage recidivists not deter them...spending these last months planning the huge welcome home party.  I could be writing this to an audience of one, but I wanted to articulate to you why my production has slipped and why I am not as motivated right now to write about Obama et.al.  I apologize for the naval gazing but it seems to be increasing as the days drop away.


     There is much more to write.  There is more to say.  I have learned so much and want to pass it on.  Please bear with me over these last few months as I try to sort through all these feelings and questions.  We have all been on this journey together and I owe so many of you, and especially the minders of this site, for your friendship and support over these six plus years.  I have used this space to think and explore and to reveal to you what has been going on with me along this path.  We have some more roads to travel together I believe.

28 comments:

  1. Looking forward to traveling more roads together, Bernie.

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  2. Wow.

    I used to be a Program Director. If I were one now because I would hire you in a second. It would be very short term to test the waters, but I'm positive it would be a monster hit. The first show would be just you... telling your story. I've never heard you on the air Bernie, I have just read what people say about your shows and I am convinced that first show would be a moment in Radio never to be forgotten by anyone who heard it, friend or foe. Man, I wish I were a PD again.

    And yeah, I've missed your posts.

    Best of luck.

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    1. You just don't know the great intelligence of this man. he is one of the greatest debaters I ever saw! He taught me how to debate against my many right wing critics. I would think any radio station would love to give Bernie another shot.

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  3. My heart goes out to you and your family, Bernie. There's always hope for a guy with your talents - and a need for them to help all of us in this crazy Society. In the days to come, if you invite our views, we might collectively suggest a number of options you could take in the immediate future. After all, a few hundred heads are better than one. I'll wait to hear from you as to how we can offer some solace and advice. I'm not sure what name to use here. --Jim Daley

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  4. Bernie, I think you'll find more people that are willing to support you when you come back than you might think. Like Lee Rodgers who was not afraid to call out his conservative base, I like the fact that you're not afraid of calling out the liberal base when it's appropriate, this I find most refreshing in these political days.

    I for one will be waiting to hear from you again even though I consider myself a (l)ibertarian (with a small l) thanks for the blogs.

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  5. Yes, there will be many more roads to travel. I admire you for taking the high road by making the best out of a trying journey. Proof again that attitude is everything.

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  6. Bernie, we've all made mistakes - many of them huge - in our lives. The difference for you is that yours was displayed for all to see; there but for the grace of God go most of us. If your family, friends and loved ones can forgive you, you must forgive yourself. You will walk out that door with many unknowns and challenges in your path, but we will all continue to walk beside you. Every single one of us has required a hand up along the way, and we are offering ours. All any of us can do in this life is to try to be a better person today than we were yesterday. Life may not be easy, but you will find a way. We will help. Have confidence in the redemption that you always spoke of on God Talk...it's real.

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  7. I do NOT know what the future holds for you and your family. I can only pray for you all and hope that things go better than you anticipate. There are many who will never forgive you but many more who already have. i am one of those who forgive you. Learn from this and go forward. Keep the faith in yourself and your GOD. God Bless you and your family and keep you whole!

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  8. God is a concept used to control people. Let go of this idea and you will be more attuned to what is really going on.

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  9. You have been in my thoughts from time-to-time. I think about you at your best, with the Church of the Holey Donut (my husband and I were early members). I remember that outrageous hot day at Marine World Africa USA for that "church picnic". Transitioning back to the real world is going to be the toughest challenge you will ever face. I suggest that you get into the habit of a lot of daily prayer. Be specific and honest with your Father in Heaven. Count your blessings and try not to kick yourself as often as you are tempted to do so...you have served your time, fulfilled your obligation to society. If nothing else, you have served as a tangible human reminder for the rest of us. May God grant you peace as you move forward.

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  10. I have followed this blog from the beginning but not commented until now. Your future success as a radio host depends on your ability to be honest and open about what happened to you, and to expect the same of your listeners and guests. If you can do that in a way that people can understand, you may find a station and an audience.

    If you fall short of that ideal, mince words, make excuses, or operate with less than absolute authenticity, people will see through it and you will remain in obscurity except for the headlines detailing your release and crimes.

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  11. Bernie, I can only imagine how nervous you must be with your release day coming up. But am glad that your family has stuck by you.
    I have a very close friend down in Lompoc, who caught a case like yours. He's just starting his mandatory 10 years, and I pray for his safety and mental health every day.
    If you run across him, you'll know who I am talking about. Give him a hug and share your strength with the new, scared guys. I am sure it means a lot that you can offer them the hope that this too shall pass.
    Hope you make it back to the airwaves, Bernie. And if not, that you do not slink off. You have a lot to offer the rest of us.

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  12. Bernie, I've missed you as a listener--no longer living in the Bay Area but desiring to hear you over the Internet. You are far to the Left of me and that's one reason why I've been longing to hear you. You're a thinking man, Bernie, and the world has been at a loss while you've been incarcerated. You are a fallible human being, as we all are. You are a fine man in radio, as Kennedy, Packwood, Clinton, FDR, Goldwater, and Bentsen were fine men in politics.

    I have always chosen to believe your statements that your crime never crossed from fantasy into the real world. I have faith in my own judgment on that point and trust that I'm not a fool for it. Your price paid for your crimes has been steep indeed, although not cruel and unusual.

    America needs to accept your rehabilitation and welcome you back where you belong: in your radio den, making smart people think five days a week. I hope that you will get that break, although, sadly, Cumulus does not deserve to have you at KGO.

    I want to see you back on cable news debates. Serving Thanksgiving dinners to homeless drug addicts. Contributing to the betterment of America as you have for so many years. An advance welcome home, Bernie. Thinking people have missed you dearly.

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  13. In 3 months, you'll have paid your debt to society. Society needs to mark the ledger "paid-in-full" and let you succeed or fail, based on your own merits. If society doesn't do that, it isn't living up to its side of the bargain.

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  14. Bernie, I believe if you tried to get back into radio here in the Bay Area, you would succeed. Even at, dare I say, KGO. The new folks hired Karel back (after they fired everyone else) because they knew what the people here want, controversy notwithstanding. On air, you'd of course have to deal with the cranks, those who wait on hold just to call you "child molester", but there are many more of us who would cheer to hear you back at it, roaring again :) . Good luck--Cliff

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  15. I'm renewing my prayers in earnest for you as you make this huge transition. Breathe, give thanks and rest as you reconnect to those most dear to you. The rest of us can wait (a little while). The way will develop as you stay on the path. You have learned and experienced so much. God bless, always.

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  16. Bernie,
    I too have been a fan since the days of the Hoy Donut, and I can only hope someone will have the sense to let you return to the radio. We are in desperate need to hear your voice and you are in need of being allowed to speak again.It would be a win-win for all.

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  17. Bernie,

    I think if you focus on earning back the trust and respect of your loved ones, especially your wife, the prospects for a solid return to purpose and confidence in yourself will come naturally. Humble yourself in the face of all she's done for you in your absence, tell those who are closest to you that you seek to atone for your sins, and then show them you're for real. You've done your time behind bars, and now you must do your time at home.

    Let me echo the chorus of folks here who'd love to hear your voice again on-the-air, whether that's at KGO or another station. Your cogent, nightly soliloquies and snappy repartee with guests helped ease my lonely entry into life in San Francisco in the mid-90s. It would be wonderful to hear your tirades again.

    If you haven't lined up a radio contract yet, I'd suggest at minimum starting your own YouTube channel focused on whatever program you may wish to launch. And you might want to get it ready before you return home, so you can capture any media attention you garner and build up a quick subscriber/follower base from that. Of course, that'll mean a lot of "haters" (as the youth say these days), but it would give you a chance to weather those storms on your own terms in your own media. Just be sure to prioritize your family. They deserve that.

    Best to you and your family in your transition.

    - Aaron Lehmer-Chang, Oakland

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  18. Bernie,

    I think if you focus on earning back the trust and respect of your loved ones, especially your wife, the prospects for a solid return to purpose and confidence in yourself will come naturally. Humble yourself in the face of all she's done for you in your absence, tell those who are closest to you that you seek to atone for your sins, and then show them you're for real. You've done your time behind bars, and now you must do your time at home.

    Let me echo the chorus of folks here who'd love to hear your voice again on-the-air, whether that's at KGO or another station. Your cogent, nightly soliloquies and snappy repartee with guests helped ease my lonely entry into life in San Francisco in the mid-90s. It would be wonderful to hear your tirades again.

    If you haven't lined up a radio contract yet, I'd suggest at minimum starting your own YouTube channel focused on whatever program you may wish to launch. And you might want to get it ready before you return home, so you can capture any media attention you garner and build up a quick subscriber/follower base from that. Of course, that'll mean a lot of "haters" (as the youth say these days), but it would give you a chance to weather those storms on your own terms in your own media. Just be sure to prioritize your family. They deserve that.

    Best to you and your family in your transition.

    - Aaron Lehmer-Chang, Oakland

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  19. Bernie,

    I hope and pray for your return to be as positive and cheerful as can be with your eventual return to the air a given. I have been listening since your syndicated show until that night I heard a techno-pop version of God rest ye merry gentlemen coming out of my radio when I tried to hear you on KGO.

    I sit here amidst a nation filled with lemmings ready to jump off the cliff, not only over IS, but, Ebola as well. I truly fear our Federal/state/county/city governments may lose control if lynch mobs wearing rubber gloves roam the streets looking for people they think are infected. Good grief and good luck!

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  20. Oh, how I've missed you Bernie.

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  21. My favorite KGO talk show host, and someone who helped me maintain sanity thru the Bush years. All the best Bernie, if you ever get a show again, I'll be listening.

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  22. My comments were sent directly to Lompoc as well

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  23. This site is a puff piece for Bernie , nothing negative gets through APPROVAL unless its I love you Berni. I have given him facts please have the balls to send along

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  24. Wow, only 1 month more. I'm hoping KGO or 910am give you a chance. I miss you Bernie, forgive you for what you did, and can't wait to hear the Lion on the Left once again.

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  25. here in Gilroy Bernie are so happy for you getting out and returning to your family. i always have admired you. and never will stop.
    i wish you the best of luck and cant wait to hear from you on the air or the internet.good luck and welcome back.
    -Mike from Gilroy

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  26. Bernie
    I would gladly pay for an online subscription to hear your comments of the current state of the planet once again. I have been encourage the same at media outlets. Good luck.
    Bob

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