Where
does one start when contemplating how to say thank you for over six years of
support and friendship? This is my
last Thanksgiving in captivity. I
will be home for Christmas. I know
these six plus years would have killed me if not for the support of so
many. Perhaps even more
extraordinary is the fact that so many people who wrote and encouraged and
supported me are literally strangers, or people I have never met, and yet I
feel close to many of you. I think
this may be the most difficult piece to write of all those submitted for your
appraisal.
I came to prison a broken man...physically and spiritually. It was that brokenness, and a refusal
to recognize it, which created an environment where poor choices...stupid
choices...bad judgment...runaway ego...criminal behavior...were allowed to
grow, fester and flourish. Over
these years, I have worked to fix the brokenness and to restore my humility and
humanity. I have used this time to
emerge better than when I surrendered.
I had to admit to myself that I was capable of immoral behavior and then
figure out how to re-build...to re-boot...to apologize and to ask for
forgiveness from all those I hurt.
During this entire process, you were there to encourage and support and
react and offer your comments and observations. You, who only knew me as a disembodied voice on the
radio, stepped up to become friends and caregivers and together we created a
community. When I missed so many
important events in the lives of my wife and children, you allowed me to write
and express my sorrow and pain.
When important people...dear people...friends...colleagues...passed
away, this community was there for me and watched while I wrote about Fr. Floyd
Lotito, Susan Prather, Gene Burns, Lee Rodgers, Tina Henry and others. We addressed politics, war and cynicism
along with calls to arms about rebuilding this nation...saving the middle
class...caring for the poor and calling out the hypocrisy of the 1%.
How was all this possible?
In the eyes of society, and maybe even some of my family members, I
committed a crime worse than all others.
(save for maybe Michael Vick)
I was labeled deviant and perverted and the natural response to my crime
was supposed to be to shun and condemn.
If many had had their way, I would become a pariah who slinks away in
the night never to be heard from again.
It was not to be. I admit
to a terrible mistake and accept the consequences which separated me from those
I love and care about the most. I
acknowledge all the pain and suffering I caused them and the embarrassment and
humiliation the public nature of my crime caused them, friends and other family
members. I did the crime and did
the time. You refused to let that
be the final act. You were angry
at me...puzzled at how I could put my career and family into such
jeopardy...outraged that I gave aid and comfort to those who want our republic
to morph into an oligarchy...sad I showed such horrible judgment and for the
hurt I caused by exploring a world of pictures which should not exist and which
causes a great deal of pain for those depicted.
However, you refused to write me off. You refused to let one mistake define what you thought of
me. You hoped I would learn from
this and you wanted to know what I learned and how this all affected me. You wanted a dialogue, a give and
take...a chance to explore all of this and so off we went. No one would have believed this was
possible to sustain over years and years.
Thank you...thank you...thank you.
I have to thank two people who made this all possible. Little did they think, when they wrote
to me in Texas and offered to help me in any way they could, they would spend
almost 6 years posting pieces and setting up and maintaining this blog. These lovely people, both with very
busy lives, took on this project.
In the early days it took so much time just to get one piece
posted. I would type it...have it
edited by an inmate in Texas...snail-mail it to them...hope they could read my
writing over the edits...they would then have to re-type it and, finally, post
it. Despite this immense amount of
time, and the effort this consumed, they never complained and always offered
encouragement. They know who they
are and I hope they know I owe them a debt which cannot be estimated.
I want to thank James Howell.
He wrote to me so frequently...offered to teach me chess by
mail...encouraged me to try to meditate and I did not write back to him
frequently enough and yet he continued to correspond. James, thank you.
A woman, Linda Hadaad, wrote and was so supportive of me. Her one-woman campaign, after the
government turned down my pleas to be transferred out of the hellhole which is
Texas, is why I was finally transferred.
She beat the federal government and I benefitted. (one day I will be able to tell the
story about Texas and how horrible it was and how traumatic for it to be the
first "joint" I was sent to and how if I had not gotten out of there
I would not have survived this experience. I will need some help to work through all that fear and
tension and isolation.)
There are so many others I could thank here, but I am deathly afraid of
leaving someone out. Every person
who wrote to me...sent cards...magazines...commented on the blog...sent me
encouraging articles and more, to all of you, on this special Thanksgiving, I
thank you from the bottom of my heart.
( I have no idea how to meet you all, but I so want to shake your hands
and hug you, and probably cry, and personally thank you for all you have done
to help me get home)
On Thanksgiving, I will sit in a room with hundreds of other men sharing
some turkey and stuffing and they will have no idea how special this day it to
me and no idea of the hundreds of you who will be right there sharing the meal
with me. I will recall 18 years of
Thanksgiving days that were spent at St Anthony's Dining Room and the joy I
experienced sharing with all the folks benefitting from that amazing
place. I will smile knowing you,
and so many others, donated over $5 million, through the KGO Thanksgiving
Charity Drive, to help those who were in desperate need at that time. I will tear up knowing I will be home
for Christmas and that this is my last Thanksgiving as a prisoner. I will spend some quiet moments thanking
God for allowing me to see my sins and shortcomings, and knowing that in spite
of them She loves and forgives me.
I will be expressing gratitude I made this journey from start to finish
and I am a better person because of it.
THANK YOU....THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK ALL OF YOU VERY MUCH. HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL.
Read The Lion of the Left's Thanksgiving Prayer next...
Read The Lion of the Left's Thanksgiving Prayer next...
